Hello, is that Mr Luff?
That’s right, Brian Luff speaking.
Mr Luff, I’m calling from your bank, but before I can talk to you I’m going to have to ask you a few security questions.
Wait a minute… you called me, right?
That’s right sir, but it’s bank policy. We have to put you through security before we can talk to you.
But you called me, so you must know who I am. How do I know who you are?
I’m sorry, I don’t understand?
How do I know you’re from the bank? Perhaps I should call you back. What’s your number?
I’m sorry, I’m afraid you can’t call me back. I’m in a call centre, and anyone could answer.
That’s OK, I’ll ask for you by name. What’s your name?
It’s Britney sir.
We’re not allowed to give out our surnames sir; bank policy. I’m just Britney.
The bank probably employs dozens of Britney’s but never mind, since I’m not allowed to call you back anyway. This surname business, is that health and safety, or data protection?
I’m afraid I don’t know sir.
Probably both I expect. First I’m suspected of not being who I say I am when I answer my phone, even before I know to whom I’m talking and then I’m treated as though I’m a potential stalker. What does the bank think of its customers I wonder?
I’m sorry sir, I’m afraid we can’t get anywhere unless you answer the security questions.
I understand that, but first I have to establish that you are actually from the bank. What’s my account number?
I can’t discuss your bank details unless we can clear the security questions.
Well I’m sorry if I seem difficult, but I would understand your position if you were working for the bank and I had called you, but since you called me and you can’t identify yourself, I’m afraid this call is going nowhere.
I’m afraid you are being difficult Mr Luff. Unless we can clear the security questions, I can’t get to the purpose of the call.
And I can’t understand why you are calling me Mr Luff, since you apparently don’t believe that I am who I say I am. Perhaps the bank had better write to me instead. Good day.